life sucks right now and heres why

  So, im going through some awful things right now. It probably wont affect my blogging but whatever. So my aunt died on Sunday the day AFTER my least favorite holiday VALENTINES DAY. And suddenly my world has been turned on its head. I am now in a position of power that I never asked for and I suddenly have to take care of my like 28 year old paraplegic cousin and my elderly grandfather and my uncle who has neuropathy of the legs.

        These people took care of ME when i was little and now all of a sudden I’m 20 years old and having to take care of other people and a house and pay bills and car insurance and oh god im so stressed out. I mean my uncle can still get around and he cooks dinner for us and like takes care of grandpa most of the time as well as himself but its just, Now without my aunt the household isn’t running as smoothly as it was. 

       Now I have become the woman of the house. I’m the one that has to keep it clean and take care of everybody and do things. Luckily I’ve just gotten another job. Now with 2 jobs ill be making more money and ill actually make enough to pay my bills and have spending money. I have also made up and am now friends with My ex boyfriend again. But it doesnt change the fact that im now a head in this household. Basically my aunt was the queen, I ‘m just a princess. The queen died and now im queen, I AM NOT READY TO BE QUEEN. I HAVE BEEN THRUST INTO A POSITION OF POWER I DO NOT WANT AND I AM SCARED. 

      I have to be strong for an entire household. I have to be strong for myself. Im terrified, im not ready for this. But i have to be ready, i cant not be ready. I am the only able bodied person in my house so i have to take up most of the responsibilities and im fuckin scared. I cant rely heavily on my uncle or grandpa or cousin. I already rely heavily on my grandpa to keep a roof over my head and my uncle to cook our meals because i dont know how to cook and for my cousin to be my best friend and be there for me when i need her. But now I have to learn to cook, which i should but i didnt want to learn like this. I now have to pull more than my share around here, when before i pulled less than my share. And now i have to take care of a woman who used to change my diapers for crying out loud. 

       I was shoved into the harsh reality of this world when my parents died and left me an orphan, i relied on my grandparents, then my grandma died, now i rely on my uncle and aunt, now my aunts dead. Now im the head and Im really an adult. An adult with two jobs, and responsibilities that someone my age shouldn’t have to have. I am openly admitting I AM NOT OKAY AND I AM HORRIFIED! I keep saying Im okay and that yeah im really fine but I am not. I am scared and i need help. Im scared, i feel alone I need advice and support and a hug. I dont know what to do now. I really hope i can be a good adult and take care of my family. I really hope i can cope and be the adult that my family needs. 

    If any of you have any advice on what i can do. Please help me out, I really need it.